poet Reyna Biddy has a spoken word piece on Kehlani’s 2017 album, SweetSexySavage, called intro that i hear in my head a lot. the album and that track remind me of commuting to my americorps job my first year out of college. i’d walk from my apartment at the corner of grand concourse and mosholu parkway to the above ground 4 train train platform, dragging myself up the steps in my khakis. i worked from 7:30 am to about 6 pm at an elementary school. the days were long and blurred, we were expected to be peppy.
i knew that i didn’t belong at the school i was working at but didn’t know it enough not to do it. i didn’t really know what else to “do” at that age.
“intro” had a kind of bravado that i could not relate to but secretly longed for. i could relate to holding my tongue, to feeling overlooked like only a 22 year old can. i think it mirrored the disdain and wistfulness that i often felt (and feel…).
the melodic intonation has caught in the thicket of my consciousness. lines return to me now, years later. that time in my life is with me this week.
Biddy speak-sings:
My condolences to anyone who has ever lost me
And, to anyone who got lost in me
Or, to anyone who ever felt they took a loss with me
My apologies for the misunderstanding or the lack thereof
I'm sorry you missed the God in me
And I'm sorry you missed the light
I'm sorry you forgot the way I arose like the moon
Night after night with the burden to forgive
Eager to feed you everything
See, I'm a holy woman
I know what it's like to give life to a being without ever needing to press skin against one another
I've practiced how to hold my tongue long enough
I'm afraid I forgot to say goodbye
I'm afraid you're under the impression
That I was made to please you
I was under the impression you understood me better
The truth is, I'm a superwoman
And some days I'm an angry woman
And some days I'm a crazy woman
For still waiting, for still loving harder even if I'm aching
For still trusting that I'm still worth the most
For still searching for someone to understand me better
i suspect i was attracted to how this person seemed able to move through bitterness without ignoring its costs. returning to the lines again, i hear her offer condolences to people who have forgotten her divine nature which i also offer as condolences to those of us who sometimes forget our own.
the content of the lines doesn’t resonate as much anymore, but the rhythm does. ‘intro’ was an early lesson in speaking with verve.
Yes, what Elke said!
your line resonates a lot: "i hear her offer condolences to people who have forgotten her divine nature which i also offer as condolences to those of us who sometimes forget our own." 💜