today would be my grandmother Margot’s 89th birthday. she stood about five feet two inches tall. she was a puppeteer, a synchronized swimmer, and a crossword puzzle enthusiast. she had a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor, and painted watercolors for much of her life.
she knew about mirth.
when my cousins and i were being especially uncouth or rambunctious, my grandma would often tell us to practice ‘gracious living’ — another way of saying mind your manners, as in chew with your mouth closed or stop screeching at the table. though i now understand manners as a tool of social control and domination, and have little to no interest in ‘decorum,’ this phrase, gracious living, has stayed with me.
the irony of a woman who devoted so much attention to the silly (she played the ~bugle~) telling us about politeness is not lost on me, and i don’t think it was lost on her either. her chiding was always accompanied by a twinkle in her eye, it never felt too punishing. maybe gracious living was always a more expansive invitation, a matter of deepening attention to each other. settle down, as in settle in, as in, can you, can we, be here with each other?
my grandmother died in january 2019. in the years since, people who love me have reminded me to have grace for myself or for them. they have shared with me their own relationships to grace. gracious, graceful, filled with grace, by the grace of. the reminder lives on.
i attended an event in april called #makelovegoviral, that was part of this Dreaming Care Into Being series. the facilitator, Kamra Hakim reflected that a crucial aspect of love is the ongoing interrogation — how do i/we protect/maintain my/our capacity for grace?1 this question has been reverberating through me since — it is a question about care, about how we direct our attention, about how we breathe.
chiding turned invitation turned imperative.
gracious living as in do what i need to do to offer grace in every direction every day.
gracious living as a reminder that my life is only possible because of grace. as in “We owe each other everything.”2
this enthusiasms archive is dedicated to margot allison, to all the people who have made, and make, my life possible. “Oh shit, it’s all been given to me.”3
to living graciously,
kendall
paraphrasing from memory
Ross Gay, Be Holding, 100
Ross Gay, Be Holding, 100